I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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