cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
