i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
