Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
