Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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