this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
