I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
