I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
