I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
