PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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