I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
