I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
