Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Randomize
