Your dad touched me again.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
