I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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