the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Randomize
