so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
