Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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