I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
