I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
