I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
