His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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