I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
