That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
