My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
