god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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