Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
