I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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