according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
