70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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