please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Randomize
