i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
