That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
