new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
