I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
