I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Woke up backwards on a recliner
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I need water and some morals
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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