The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
