Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
