You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
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