So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
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