I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
It's never too late to be topless.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
