I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
