I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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