youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
