I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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