Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
dude. I can hear the air.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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