My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
