I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
