i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
