how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Randomize
